Humping Seaplanes?

Here is an email I sent to some important folks on South Padre Island (SPI). It basically lambastes a part of the Town ordinances. Then I got to looking at other parts of the ordinances and stopped laughing, it was so bad. But let's stay on the lighter side. The issue is waves from boats on the bayside. Let 'er rip:

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At issue today is how the no wake ordinance (SPI §12-15) is the dumbest crock of hooey ever written. It was handed out again at the BATF last meeting. That’s right, I said hooey. The silly ordinance should be completely deleted and replaced. It is not worth the paper it was printed on - maybe 7 cents at most.

The errant ordinance starts off by saying it is regulating no-wake zones in SPI limits but does not say where the “limits” are, which from what I can tell is one or two arms of channels up by Fiesta Isles. Those two or three “no wake” signs nailed to the GLO channel markers on [the main bayside] Tompkins Channel are illegal as heck, by the way. You can make all the wakes you want there. Not nice but you can.

Then the silly thing tries, in rather a feeble attempt, to define “no wake.” This is hysterical. First it says that if a boat is operating “on a plane” it is probably having a big wake (silly boys). I don’t think they mean airplanes, or that a boat is humping an airplane, or maybe an airboat in heat, although one is not completely sure. We think they mean hydroplaning hulls, maybe. Sexy, high-maintenance, expensive ones.

The ordinance then helpfully adds that a boat is on a plane if it “travels on top of the water.” Holy smokes, we’ve ruled out most of the airplanes and submarines I guess! It’s not too good if you’re hydroplaning and end up underwater, I can tell you that. Back to square one. We’re lost! Seaplanes?

We finally get to the meat of the ordinance, which says something about maintaining “slow speed/minimum wake,” whatever that is, one or the other, but then craps out by saying that if you do “more than a minimum wake” you can be nailed for up to 500 bucks.

Let’s see here, I checked about 20 boats and the true minimum wake was when they were tied up to the dock. I could see some ½ inch wakes from just the tide flowing by but I think that would be OK. There was no mention of adequate steerage headway or anything like that.

Why don’t we fix this ugly old turkey and just say the controlled speed is 5 MPH? It all goes to show, you have to know how to write an ordinance without hoping people would figure out what it means, using all this wonderful legal help like the humping seaplanes and all that Mickey Mouse. And don't forget the hooey.