Red Tide is a Whimp

So many people are worried about the red tide down here on South Padre I began to wonder what the deal was. Sure, on a bad day the wind can carry some fumes, aerosol really, and you’ll cough a little. It still is a beautiful place and although it is an inconvenience, there are worse evils lurking around.

Consider cedar fever. We ran away from Austin because the mountain cedar released copious amounts of pollen between December and February, sometimes as high as 10,000 grains per cubic meter of air. It causes allergies, secondary lung infections, and migraine headaches. Folks, red tide it a wimp by comparison.

How about red ants? Folks on the Island here say there are fire ants, as we call them, and I say “let me see them” I stir up their mound a little and let some bite me on the inside of my wrist. If it was fire ants, there would be an instantaneous reaction of hives, blisters, and burning pain. It turns out they’re just piss ants and common brown ants. You don’t get hives, blisters, and burning pain from the red tide, folks.

OK, how about sea lice? They’ve got oodles of them over by Florida and the Bahamas in the spring. You go swimming and these little microscopic rascals, like chiggers (another bad boy), head right for the tender skin and burrow like little Chinese miners. About the only thing that helps is an ample supply of rum or vodka, both for the skin and the afflicted person.

Consider jellyfish ... naw, that's too easy because bad jellyfish hurt real bad.

Stacked up against all these bugs and things, and not to mention hurricanes, tornadoes, dust storms in Lubbock and Brownsville, and flooding, red tide is a mere whussy. That’s fighting words down here in Texas, but I guarantee that red tide after Rita is pretty darned tame. Gosh, you go inside the house and all the red tide symptoms vanish. Nothing even hurts. Get a life, folks, and as you know, South Padre ain’t for sissies, anyway.